Title: The Sweet Taste of India
Author: Qaddafi the Ripper
Summary: Humor. The Macedonian army discovers Indian cuisine, Roxane discovers Kali worship, and more.
Notes: This fic has nothing to do with the Aerosmith song Taste of India --I just thought that'd make a spiffy title. Also, no disrespect is intended towards Indians, Hindus, Indian cuisine, Kali worship, naked philosophers, elephants, or Bagoas. I hope no one gets offended, since this is purely a joke fic. Presented in script form since I seem to think it's funnier that way.


[SCENE: Porus's palace, the banquet hall (or the closest facsimile thereof). Chefs bring out dishes of the finest Indian cuisine that they can make.]

MACEDONIANS: [staring at the food] ...
PTOLEMY: [trying to be polite] What exactly do you call this dish?
PORUS: [via interpreter] We call it curry. It's very good.
NEARCHUS: [also trying to be polite] Er, what's in it?
PORUS: Oh, all sorts of things. Just try it!
MACEDONIANS: ...
HEPHAISTION: [quietly, to Alexander] You're the king. You get to try it first.
ALEXANDER: [glaring] You are SO sleeping on the couch tonight.
MACEDONIANS: [snicker]
PTOLEMY: Well, it is the king's duty to be first into battle and all, right?
ALEXANDER: [stares down at the curry, which is billowing smoke] How bad can it be?
ALEXANDER: [bravely takes a bite]
MACEDONIANS: [lean closer to watch his reaction]
ALEXANDER: [grabs throat and tries to stifle choking sounds]
HEPHAISTION: Are you alright?
ALEXANDER: [gasping] Water! I need water!
PORUS: [laughing] We like spicy food!
PERDICCAS: So it would seem.
NEARCHUS: Er, I just remembered that I'm on a diet, so I'll have to pass tonight.
PTOLEMY: Yes, I'm on a diet too.
ALEXANDER: [having just chugged down an entire glass of water in one gulp] Traitors.

[SCENE: outside under the trees where the naked philosophers gather.]

PERDICCAS: So, you guys believe that all things in life are temporary, so you deny yourselves everything to achieve "enlightenment," which will allow you to reach "Nirvana" when you die?
KALANOS: [via interpreter] More or less.
LEONNATUS: So how come you have to be naked for it?
KALANOS: Clothes are a human creation. They restrict the body and distract the mind.
PTOLEMY: [checking out a hot Indian babe who just walked past] I would think having everyone naked would be MORE distracting...
KALANOS: [disapproving] Desire is of the flesh. You must rise above it to reach enlightenment.
PTOLEMY: But what if I only want to be enlightened about sex?
KALANOS: You'll never reach Nirvana that way.
PTOLEMY: No, but there are OTHER things I'll reach...
NEARCHUS: [trying to bring the conversation back to the original topic] But if you never wear clothes, doesn't the weather bother you?
KALANOS: No. By meditating, I am able to rise my spirit above such mundane matters.
PERDICCAS: [noting the warm weather even though it's almost winter] You don't get much snow in India, do you?

[SCENE: Roxane's bedroom]

ALEXANDER: Yes, dear, it's very nice, but don't you think it's just a little bit... um... inappropriate?
ROXANE: [points to her newly acquired Kali statue] I think it's appropriate. I've found my life so far demeaning and restrictive. In the interest of promoting female equality and empowerment, I should be able to worship any god --or goddess-- that I want to.
ROXANE: Besides, there's something about Kali that appeals to me.
ALEXANDER: I'm told that Kali is the goddess of death and people sacrifice children to her.
ROXANE: I'm sure that has nothing to do with it.
ALEXANDER: [takes a deep breath] It's very nice that you're such a strong person, dear, but don't you think you could find another way of expressing yourself?
ALEXANDER: Or couldn't you at least worship a, uh, kinder goddess.
ROXANE: [in a lecturing tone] Kindness won't get you anywhere in this world.
ALEXANDER: Yes dear. But there are lots of very powerful goddesses whose worship doesn't include child sacrifice.
ROXANE: Such as?
ALEXANDER: [thinks really hard about the various Greek goddesses. Rejects Athena, since she's a warrior. Rejects Artemis because she's a hunter. Rejects Hera because she's a nag. Ditto Demeter. Rejects Persephone because she's queen of the underworld, which is a little too close to Kali for his taste.]
ALEXANDER: [has an epiphany] How about Selene?
ROXANE: Selene? I've never heard of that goddess.
ALEXANDER: Well, maybe she is a little... obscure, but she's a very good goddess. She's the goddess of the moon.
ROXANE: [doubtfully] The moon?
ALEXANDER: [quickly] Which is very beautiful, just like you. And it brings light in the darkness, just like you. And the moon can be very powerful... when it... wants to be...
ALEXANDER: [tries to look like he believes everything he's just said]
ROXANE: Well... Maybe. I'll think about it.
ALEXANDER: [relieved] Thank you, dear! [kisses her]
ALEXANDER: [snatches Kali statue while Roxane is distracted]
ALEXANDER: [thinking] Now where can I throw this away where she won't find it?

[SCENE: Bagoas is trying on an Indian outfit]

BAGOAS: Hmm... no, not quite right.
BAGOAS: [takes off that outfit and puts on another one with lots of bangles]
BAGOAS: [considering his appearance] I look like a whore in this.
BAGOAS: [Takes off that outfit and puts on one with embroidery and interesting designs]
BAGOAS: [considering his appearance] Not too bad.
BAGOAS: [turns and looks at his back]
BAGOAS: Oh no! It makes my butt look big!
BAGOAS: [takes off that outfit and puts on one that meant for women]
BAGOAS: [considering his appearance] Hmm... it's definitely got possibilities. But it makes my face look a bit faded. I'll need more make-up.
BAGOAS: [puts on more make-up]
BAGOAS: [considering his appearance] Perfect!

[SCENE: outside, Macedonian children are playing near some elephants]

CHILD 1: Look at me! [runs very close to the elephant's legs]
CHILD 2: Oh yeah? Well watch this! [runs up and touches one of the elephant's legs]
CHILDREN: [impressed] Oohhh...
CHILD 1: That's nothing! Watch this! [runs behind the elephant, jumps, and manages to touch its tail]
CHILDREN: [even more impressed] Ooooohhhhh...
CHILD 2: You're just showing off. Watch THIS! [runs up and grabs one of the elephant's tusks]
CHILDREN: [incredibly impressed] Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh...
CHILD 1: [thinks desperately how to top that]
CHILD 1: Oh yeah? Watch ME! [runs to elephant's back leg, climbs it, and touches the elephant's family jewels]
SOME CHILDREN: [indescribably impressed] Oooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
OTHER, MORE DISCERNING CHILDREN: Yuck.
CHILD 1'S MOTHER: [comes out and sees] Stop molesting that elephant!
CHILD 1: Aww, c'mon Mom, I'm just having fun [reaches again for the elephant's family jewels]
CHILD 1'S MOTHER: If you try to stimulate that elephant ONE MORE TIME, than you are ground for a DECADE, mister!
CHILD 1: [pouting, but obedient] Darn.

[SCENE: Alexander's room]

HEPHAISTION: [enters with a sheaf of papers in hand]
ALEXANDER: [was ready to go to bed] Oh not more work.
HEPHAISTION: No, not work. It's something much better.
ALEXANDER: [raising eyebrow] What is it?
HEPHAISTION: It's an ancient Indian text about love.
ALEXANDER: [doubtfully] That's nice, but neither of us reads Indian.
HEPHAISTION: That's alright.
HEPHAISTION: [unrolls the parchment and shows it to Alexander] It has pictures.
ALEXANDER: [stares at picture]
HEPHAISTION: [turns to another page] Do you think we could try this one?

Home | Alexander the Great Stories