How faithless is the heart. I was happier here and now than I have been since I was a young child in my parents' home. I was well taken care of, wanting for nothing. I was cherished for myself, and not just for the art I learned for my previous master. I found someone I loved with my whole being; I, in turn, was loved by him. I would not give him up for anything, would not trade the joy I found with him for any treasure. By all rights, I should have been happy and content.

Yet I could not be truly happy, not while he was here.

The King loved me, I knew this. I was true to him and loved him without bound and he desired that. I gave him his manhood and showed him pleasure without grief. But I was not first in his heart, and I never would be, so long as Hephaistion was there.

I had planned to show the King more pleasure tonight. I knew so much that he had still not seen, and I knew it would please him. I waited patiently for him in the bedchamber. But when my lord came, he told me with a smile to go to sleep. Said he wouldn't need me tonight. Thinking perhaps that he had work to do or that he was simply tired, I left him alone.

I meant to go to sleep; truly, I did. But sleep eluded me. There was an insistent pull at my chest, urging me to look in on him. He never minded if I stole into his room during the night. I paused before opening the door, instinct reminding me that I had been taught long ago not to intrude. The wooden door was old and somewhat warped; there was a crack I could see through. I am glad that I merely looked into his room, because he wasn't alone.

It wasn't the first time I had seen Hephaistion in his room. Hephaistion had always assumed he had the right to go into the King’s room whenever he wished. Had I ever brought it up, my lord would have confirmed that he indeed had that right. But this was the first time I had seen them like this together.

Oh, I'd known they were lovers. It had been obvious from the start. But recently it had been me, not Hephaistion, that my lord took to bed. I told myself that I loved him better than Hephaistion did. After all, I let him be a man, while Hephaistion had kept him a boy. I thought that it was only a matter of time before I had leeched all of Hephaistion out of my lord's heart until I alone remained.

Now I gazed into the bedchamber, hidden from their view by the old door. Had I not gone to look in on the King, I would have never known they were together tonight. The walls of Zadrakarta are very thick. But I was there and I saw. I saw them lay entwined together on the bed, touching lightly and trading long kisses. Though desire was rising between them, they smiled at each other and exchanged quiet words.

My fists clenched and I held my arms close to me, trying not to shake. My feet were rooted to the ground; there was nothing that could have driven me away from this sight, not even the terrible ache in my chest. I leaned forward until my face felt sore from being pressed into the wood, to see and hear better.

"Alexander..." Hephaistion murmured, drawing his hand down the King’s chest. Even in the midst of this, it hurt me also that he called the King by name, easily and without thought, while I still dared not do so even in the privacy of my own mind.

My lord smiled quietly and ran his fingers through Hephaistion's hair. "I love you," he whispered. I barely kept myself from howling aloud. He had never spoken those words to me. He did love me, I knew he did. Those words resounded endlessly in my heart whenever I thought of him, and they fell from my lips when he lay with me. He would smile and kiss me when I said those words to him, but he had never returned those words to me. No, he saved them for him, my rival.

Hephaistion merely smiled at those words and kissed the King. How dare he? Didn't he know that hearing those words was more precious than any other treasure in the world? He merely accepted those words, as if they were his due. Those words should belong to me! I loved him far more than Hephaistion ever could!

I saw Hephaistion shift beneath the covers, and my lord gasped in pleasure and gripped Hephaistion's shoulders tightly. I would kill him. The anger burned through me, devouring all other thoughts. I could kill him and I would. I could poison him. Tomorrow, I would find beggar's clothes and a scarf to wind around my head and conceal my beardless face. I would go to a herbalist who didn't ask questions --and there would surely be such a person, in a city this size --and I would buy a strong poison. I was a trusted servant and it was only a matter of time before I could reach Hephaistion's cup. Then my rival would be gone, and I would have my lord to myself. And soon it would be my ear into which he whispered I love you.

This I could do, and I determined in my heart that I would. I would not suffer this unworthy one to take what ought to be wholly mine.

Still my eyes were yet fixed on the bed. They were moving faster now, as Eros fired their flesh and sent them headlong into pleasure. The King threw his head back and I gazed upon his face by the faint light from the oil lamp next to the bed. I have seen his face transformed by pleasure before, but never like this; this was transfiguration. His eyes were closed, his mouth was open as he gasped for breath, and his expression was wild, manic, oblivious to all but the body pressed infinitely close to his.

My body shook harder than it had before and I bit my lip. Poison was too good for Hephaistion. I would take up a dagger, confront him somewhere alone, and then... But no, I couldn't kill him like that. Not that I didn't want to. Right now I wanted nothing more than to have Hephaistion's blood spilling down over my arms, hot and red and satisfying. No, I couldn't kill him like that because I had no training in war at all. My arts were love, dancing, singing. Hephaistion had probably been trained to fight since he was younger than when I was unmanned. He was also taller and obviously much stronger than I was. If I attacked him, he would surely overpower me.

And if I did manage to kill him like that, what if I was discovered? What would my lord think if he found I had murdered Hephaistion? My heart nearly stopped in horror. He would surely hate me if he found I had done such a thing. I couldn't possibly bear for him to hate me. It would destroy me. I trembled, this time in fear. Maybe... maybe it would be better to let Hephaistion live.

A moan in the King’s voice came from the bed and I was overcome again with anger. I was not truly a man, nor would I ever be, but I still had my pride and honor. Could I permit this greedy and unappreciative barbarian to take the place that naturally belonged to me? No, I was man enough to fight for my place in my lord's heart; fight, and even kill. Poison would work. It would kill Hephaistion as surely as a dagger and I would dispose of the evidence so I wouldn't be caught. Yes, I could do it, and I would. Tomorrow I would get the poison as I'd planned and then it would be only a matter of time before my lord belonged to me alone as he ought. I deserved him. And I was man enough to kill for him.

My decision made, my body and mind quieted somewhat. Not completely, not when my eyes still rested upon the treacherous bed that had always felt soft beneath my back. I loved that bed because my lord's sweet scent permeated it and even when I rested there alone I could pretend he was there with me. If I came back here when they were gone, would it be another's scent that greeted me? Would his scent overpower the King’s, just as his body did even now? My throat dried, and I barely held down another wave of murderous hate.

They were eventually released from Eros' grip and they lay limply together. I wanted to see my lord's face, to know that it held the grief he felt after passion, the grief that I alone had been able to banish. But Hephaistion's head was in the way, so I couldn't see my lord's face. I heard soft words, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. It might have been for the best, since I didn't know how many more words of love I could bear to hear them share.

Silent as a shadow, I pulled back and made my way back to my own room. I didn't want either of them to know I'd seen them together. Well, I was determined that it would be the last time too. Soon I would be the only one in the King’s bed and the King’s heart.

I went to sleep with that pleasant thought in my mind and with my plans for tomorrow confirmed. But terrible dreams assaulted me that night. I dreamed that I succeeded in killing Hephaistion, but before I could dispose of the poison, someone found it. I was brought before the King as a foul murderer, and the look in his eyes was hate.

In the very early hours of the morning, I woke up to the memory of that horrible sight. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. I couldn't risk that look; it would destroy me. But no more could I bear letting Hephaistion take what belonged to me. Torn, confused, and sick with love, I buried my face in my arms and wept until dawn began to break.

Could I be man enough to kill for love? I didn't know.