Title: Days in Macedonian Lives
Author: Qaddafi the Ripper
Summary: Philip takes Eurydike out for a date. Olympias tries to save the poor Eurydike from the fate of becoming Philip's wife.

Episode 2: Dating Blues

Philip carefully smoothed down his chiton, checking to make sure the skirt wasn't riding up in the back. Then he knocked on the door and struck a pose that said 'I am the best possible suitor for your little girl.' He'd gotten one of his wives with that pose (well, he'd had a few chats with her father too, until the father saw the many benefits of coming under Macedonian rule, as opposed to, say, being chopped into little bits).

Attalos answered the door. Philip grinned broadly. "It's good to see you, old friend. Might your lovely niece be home?"

"Why, as a matter of fact she is," Attalos replied in the same overly pleasant tone. "And she's all dressed up and ready to go out tonight. What an amazing coincidence."

"This world is full of surprises," Philip agreed heartily. He saw Eurydike come up behind her uncle, and he craned his neck to get a better look at her. Attalos stepped aside; lamps had been set near the door and they illuminated Eurydike in a soft glow. Philip was struck silent, able to only hold out a bouquet of mismatched flowers. Attalos smirked to himself and ordered his king to bring Eurydike back by nine o'clock or else. Philip nodded vaguely and held his arm out for Eurydike. She took it cautiously and followed him out.

Pella had many nice restaurants, including three five-star ones. (Unless you were going by Attic rankings, in which case the best Pella had was three-star restaurants. It was a pain and a real shaft to the tourism industry in Pella, but Philip believed in the deepest parts of his soul that Athens had better cuisine anyway. Of course it did; in Athens, even horse manure was of a higher quality than everywhere else in the world.) Philip had contemplated for some time where to take his date. He'd finally decided on Pella Mutton Shack, which was well known for its romantic atmosphere and famous mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches. Also, the owner used to be in the army, so he could get a discount.

When they got to the restaurant, they were seated immediately, even though everyone else was told there was a twenty-minute wait. (Being the king could be very nice indeed.) Philip chivalrously helped Eurydike into her seat and ordered a bottle of top quality wine for the both of them. Then he gazed happily at the girl sitting across from him, hoping she would lean further down to see her menu so that he could look down her dress.

He would have been less content had he known that he'd been followed. Attalos had decided to come, thinking that a first date needed a chaperone, especially in case Eurydike forgot the little conversation they'd had about why she couldn't have sex. He got seated in a booth (after waiting about twenty-five minutes, five longer than he'd been told it would take; an unfortunate side affect of espionage) not too far from the happy couple, where he could spy to his heart's content. He wasn't the only one.

Parmenion and Attalos were here too, and had gotten seated much faster than Attalos had, since they weren't trying to keep their presence here a secret and since they were almost as important as the king. "She sure has got a rack, doesn't she?" Antipater noted, leering.

"Yes, she's very pretty," Parmenion agreed distractedly. He shuffled through the signs he'd brought with, and held up the one that said 'Compliment her eyes,' hoping Philip would notice this one. He hadn't noticed the past three signs and was just sitting there with the girl, not even trying to strike up a conversation. He wondered to himself how he and Philip could coordinate so well on a battlefield but were helpless in a romantic situation, which theoretically should be much simpler.

Antipater slapped a passing waitress on the butt, and Parmenion wondered if he had a sign that said 'Pay attention to me! I'm trying to help you!' His two best friends, however, were still not the end of the people who'd followed Philip here. Last, and most problematic of all, was Olympias, accompanied by her priest Aristander.

"Chauvinistic pig. Just look at the way he's staring at her chest," she muttered darkly. "I bet he hasn't got the faintest clue what her face looks like."

"No idea at all," Aristander agreed obediently, if somewhat distractedly. They had hidden themselves behind a large pot (covered with pictures of naked boys cavorting about; it was the type of picture which would never be seen in a restaurant like McHercules') where they could see Philip but, hopefully, he couldn't see them. Most of the wait staff had trouble seeing them too, and three separate waitresses had nearly tripped over Aristander's feet. The reason for his distraction was that Olympias was crouched in front of him, and her bottom was distressingly close to his face. Why hadn't the proper protocol for an event like this ever been covered in seminary?

Olympias chewed on a fingernail that up till now had been neatly manicured. It was her duty - nay, her privilege! - to all womankind to save that poor girl from Philip's lust. She just had to think of a way how. Too bad she didn't have any of her equipment here, otherwise she could have slapped any number of delightful curses on her wayward husband. Like give him a rash in a highly embarrassing private place, for example. Or make him admit that he was just staring at the girl's cleavage. Or cause him to jump up and start dancing the can-can. But she only had a few potions with her tonight, so she'd just have to make do with less.

"Here's my idea," she told Aristander. "We'll find out what they ordered and intercept it before they get it. I'll put this--" she pulled a vial of murky purple liquid out of a pocket "--into Philip's meal. He'll be making inappropriate advances in no time!" She laughed gleefully; it was almost a shame Philip didn't go on dates more often so she could ruin them. It was harder to ruin things when he just randomly jumped people with no warning.

"Do you think that will be sufficient, ma'am?" Aristander asked. He tried to stare only at the vial she held and not notice that the pocket she'd pulled it from was apparently located in her bosom.

"Of course it will. The girl's from one of those old fashioned families. You know, the ones that go to the temple every Sunday and go door-to-door telling others about how wonderful Zeus is. She'll freak out if Philip starts acting lewd with her. And even if she doesn't, her uncle--" she jerked a finger in Attalos's direction "--certainly will." She grinned in satisfaction before turning to look at her co-conspirator. "I'll reward you well for your help in this, Aristander. Name your price."

His eyes went dreamy. "I want what I've always wanted, ma'am," he replied. "I've always wanted to sacrifice a virgin." He held up his sacrificial knife which he took with him no matter where he went.

Olympias snorted. "Good luck finding one of those anywhere in Macedon," she said dryly. His expression fell in disappointment, so she hurried to assure him, "But I'll keep my eyes peeled, and if I ever find one, you'll be the first to know."

Back to the happy, dating couple, Eurydike had finally decided what she wanted to eat. It had taken a long time to decide, she was willing to admit to herself. Partly because the way Philip was staring at her intently made her nervous and partly because she wasn't sure if it would be better date etiquette to order something cheap (it was their first date, after all, and Uncle Attalos had once said men expected certain physical things in return for expensive dates) or something expensive (it wouldn't due to cheapen herself, and he was the king, so it wasn't like he couldn't afford it). She'd finally decided on something a little more expensive than average, but not too much more.

She gave her date a shy smile. "Have you decided what to order, sire?" she asked softly. Hopefully he had; their waiter had been by ten times already and was getting impatient. "I've heard the chicken here is wonderful."

Philip shook his head. "No," he said, "chickens just don't satisfy me. The size just makes the technicalities a nightmare."

Eurydike blinked. "So, the prime rib perhaps?" she guessed.

"Prime rib?" he echoed, slightly confused. "Oh, for dinner. Yes, of course for dinner, that's definitely what I meant. Er, yes, ribs sound good."

Their waiter, who had been lurking nearby in the hopes that they might order sometime during the B.C. era, leapt out and swiftly took their order down. As he walked away, Philip gave him a quick pinch to the rear (which was very cute and pinchable) and made himself a mental note to look the young man up later. From a few booths away, Attalos frowned in disapproval and hoped Philip didn't try anything like that on his sweet little niece. From a table a little further away, Antipater pumped an arm in a vaguely encouraging manner while Parmenion held up a sign saying 'Pay attention to your date, not the other good-looking people!' (He might not have had a sign saying 'Pay attention to me,' but he did have enough foresight and years of friendship with Philip to know this most recent sign was very necessary.) Olympias ignored everyone else and followed the waiter stealthily into the kitchen, Aristander following her.

While waiting for their food, Eurydike decided to attempt to chat with Philip. "So," she murmured, "have you known my uncle for a long time?" It was a bad start, but she couldn't think of anything better.

"Huh?" Philip blinked. "Oh, yes, I've known Attalos for years." And he want back to staring at her with that slightly dazed look on his face. Eurydike stifled a sigh; it was going to be a long night.

Fortunately for her, it didn't take long for their food to be ready (one tries not to keep a king waiting for too long). Unfortunately for her, Olympias had already been successful with adding a little something extra into the sauce of Philip's prime rib. As Eurydike took dainty, lady-sized bites of her own meal, she glanced up and noticed a strange look come over Philip's face. Had she been more experienced, she would have known what the look meant, but she thought he was just really hungry for more dinner.

He took another bite and his eyes focused on her even more sharply. Eurydike shifted, beginning to feel self-conscious. Another bite and he was making a soft, growling sound in the back of his throat. She looked up from her meal. "Are you alright?" she asked, concerned. She hoped he didn't have food poisoning.

"I'm fine," he said in a deep, husky voice. "I was just thinking how pretty you are." Eurydike blushed and looked to one side in maidenly embarrassment, which was exactly the worst thing she could have done. (Well, maybe not the worst; the worst would have been if she jumped him, but that's not going to happen any time soon.) Philip stood up abruptly and grabbed Eurydike's wrist, pulling her up after him. "Let's go," he said.

"Go where?" she wondered. They'd only barely started eating and he wanted to leave already?

"Somewhere private," he replied. "I want to have sex with you right now."

Eurydike's eyes went comically wide and she tried futilely to pull away from his grasp. He was far too strong for her though. She opened her mouth to cry out in the hope that a fellow diner might come to her aid, but her uncle magically (to her, at least) appeared before she made a sound. Philip stopped when he saw Attalos and Eurydike sat back down in her seat with relief. "Just what did you say you wanted to do with my niece, sire?" Attalos asked tightly.

"I want to have sex with her," Philip replied promptly, not in the least reprimanded. "I'll marry her afterwards," he added as consolation.

Attalos drew himself to his full height and spoke loudly, as one always does when proclaiming another's unrighteousness. "What sort of morals do you have? I forbid you to even think of touching my niece until after you've married her! No decent person has sex until after marriage!"

"Your wife hasn't been putting out much lately, has she?" Philip asked sympathetically.

Attalos's face turned a shade of red that, had it been invented yet, could be compared to a fire engine. "How dare you!" he demanded in a tone that made it clear he wasn't asking a question, despite the grammatical syntax. "This is why our great country of Macedon isn't what it could be! It's because morally decadent people like yourself have no standards of decency! Fornication is a sin, and anyone who fornicates should be put to death! And from our king, the leader and very backbone of our country, this travesty is even worse!"

Not too far away, Antipater was thumbing quickly through his handy dictionary, looking up decadent, fornication, and travesty. He wondered if Attalos used the same speach-writer as Demosthenes. Parmenion helpfully waved a sign at Philip that read 'Deny everything!' As if the whole spectacle wasn't bad enough (and Eurydike, trying to slip down into her chair since everyone in the restaurant was watching by now, thought it certainly was bad enough), Olympias took this as her cue to join the argument. "You're the one who should be ashamed, Attalos!" she said loudly.

Attalos, so surprised by her appearance that he was jolted out of his rant, turned to her and in a frosty voice demanded, "And why should I be ashamed?"

"Because you were so stupid you didn't realize Philip would do this," Olympias countered. "Everyone knows my husband is a slut--" "Hey!" Philip was protested, but was ignored by Attalos and Olympias, who were far to busy facing off against each other. "--and if you didn't want him going for your daughter or niece of whatever she is, then you shouldn't have let him take her out!"

"And what does a woman know about anything?" Attalos asked contemptuously.

"A lot more than you do, apparently," the queen countered smoothly. She patted Eurydike's shoulder in a friendly manner. "I want to help any woman in distress, and going on a date with my husband certainly counts as 'in distress' in my book." She pulled one of her pamphlets out of a pocket and slapped it into Eurydike's unresisting hand. "Take that home with you and read it, dear. I think it will help you a lot. And not just with dealing with Philip." She gave Attalos a significant look.

Attalos gave Olympias another dirty look before leaving with his niece, who looked like she could use at least three years of therapy after this. "You just ruined my chance to score tonight!" Philip accused Olympias as soon as Attalos and Eurydike were out the door.

"I'm sure you'll find some way to make yourself feel better."

Philip opened his mouth to contradict her, but then he noticed his cute waiter. Sexy grin firmly back in place, he followed the boy into the kitchen. The restaurant was silent after he disappeared. "Aristander," Olympias said after a moment.

"Yes, ma'am?" Aristander asked, stepping to her side. He'd been hiding behind a booth lest the king see him and decide to reinstate taxation on temples.

"We shall have to pray for the health of that young man. He'll need it, with the way Philip was looking at him." And she too left the restaurant with Aristander.

Grinning from his table, Antipater turned to Parmenion to laugh over how Attalos had been talked down to by a woman, only to discover that Parmenion was no longer seated across from him. The general, always able to grasp the strategic advantages of any situation, had left while the argument was winding down, stiffing Antipater with their bill. Antipater swore creatively before pulling out his wallet. Well, at least he could save some money by leaving a lousy tip for bad service.

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